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Psychology & the Human Experience

Why do I react the way I do, and what helps me understand what the person across the table is experiencing?

Updated November 1, 2026

Why I had empathy tattooed on my arm

Resentment is one of the few feelings I can point to and say I know what happens when I let it run. I can spend hours building a case against somebody who’s off living their life. I’m the one still in the argument. I had the word empathy tattooed on my arm because anger is precisely when I’m least likely to remember to ask what part of this is mine.

I told Rich Hoffmann that I think out loud. I might be twenty percent of the way to a decision and sound to someone else like I’ve already made it. Then I get frustrated that they didn’t challenge me. Telling them how open the idea really is gives them a chance to participate. Psychology gets interesting to me right there. Something I learn about myself changes what it’s like for another person to be in the room with me.

Jump to the books and conversations ↓

Can I describe the problem the way you see it?

In my notes on Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit, I saved a distinction I can use before offering advice. Sometimes the problem is the project. Sometimes it’s the relationship. Sometimes it’s a pattern the person keeps finding themselves in. I can give a perfectly good answer to the first and miss what someone trusted me enough to bring up.

When I spoke with Chris Voss, we talked about giving the other person room to correct what you think you understand. I can try that in a board meeting or at the kitchen table. Before I tell someone why I said what I said, can I put into words what it sounded like from their side? Their correction gives us somewhere honest to start.

Find The Coaching Habit · Hear my conversation with Chris Voss

What am I measuring a good week against?

In my notes on The Gap and the Gain, the question I kept was what I’d have to say no to if I said yes. A new opportunity can be exciting and still put a meeting into the only evening I had free. I can feel great about landing the work on Monday and resent the commitment by Thursday. Both feelings tell me something about the choice I made.

I like the idea of looking backward as well as forward. If an owner wanted one uninterrupted dinner a week and is now getting two, that’s real progress, even if the business still calls more often than they’d like. Choosing what to measure changes what we notice about our own lives.

Find The Gap and the Gain · How I use my calendar

What kind of help am I actually asking for?

Think of the last time you brought someone an idea. Did you want them to challenge the premise, help you work out the details, or simply understand a decision you’d already made? I can save the person across from me a lot of guesswork by saying which conversation I’m hoping to have. Then I need to give them enough room to answer.

Why a goal can feel so good before I’ve chosen it

I enjoy having something difficult to work toward. The trap for me is that the chase can feel worthwhile before I’ve decided whether I want the life that comes with winning. In my notes for a talk about life as a game, I kept coming back to how much easier it is for me to work hard once I know what game I’ve agreed to play.

Anna Lembke’s Dopamine Nation gives me a way into the difference between wanting the next reward and enjoying the experience I’m having. The question I take from it is personal. If I could look ahead and see the week I’d be living after I reach this goal, would I choose that week? My noble aim gives me something to measure the pursuit against while I still have time to change course.

Find Dopamine Nation · Read the aim I measure those choices against

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